V is for Victory ║ M is for Misery by Jill Firns

I tend to not get personal on my blog, because part of me likes to think I’m supposed to uphold some strange semblance of a division. A division between “the real” me and what goes onto the internet. No one really wants to hear about how you drank a half bottle of wine all by yourself on the couch and watched 3 too many episodes of Freaks and Geeks in one night. Right? 

That’s just the thing. Isn’t the intention of writing a blog based in sharing? Does it always have to be all the pretty things? I spend a lot of time thinking about how we (bloggers and non-bloggers alike) present ourselves on social media. We want to show off our best selves and coax others to believe that we’re sparkly specimens of humans that generally “have it together.” That seems to be the pathway to success in social avenues of life. Don’t be vulnerable. If you show that side of yourself, someone gets judgmental. But if you’re happy all the time, someone judges you for that too. So, I think the only way to win is to be 100% unabashedly yourself. The catch is that this can be just as exhausting as keeping up a facade. Well, at least at first, until you settle into self-affirming habit.

To be totally transparent, I pretty much have NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING. The fact that I went to the gym and Zumba’d my tushie off, and then came home and ate half a pizza, and drank half a bottle of cheap Chambourcin can accurately attest to that statement.

Okay, that’s an exaggeration. I do have an inkling of what I’m doing. Maybe. Here’s what I think: I GIVE UP WORRYING ABOUT IT.

I can’t have it all. I already have just about as much of “it” as I can currently get. I have a job, an apartment, a car, a pup, family, and friends. I suppose here is where I pointedly mention that I’m single. That’s still new to me, even though in terms of time, I’ve been single for about three months. I’ve been struggling with that more than I would like to admit. I place a lot of value on my strengths when it comes to relationships. When I’m dedicated to someone, I make every effort to nurture a healthy partnership. I listen to my partner’s needs. I support them in every way possible. I take pride in being a good girlfriend. I really do bring my best self to the table, and it can be really confusing to realize that something just isn’t working out after a couple years pass. And so I find myself single at 26, unsure of why I would even bother trying to date for the foreseeable future. It’s time to be alone.

So, for now – I’m focusing on myself. I’m dating myself, you could say. I’m spending some time becoming my own best friend. It’s challenging, but exciting! There’s definitely a learning curve to no longer having someone who you tell all of your most exciting news to right away. I miss that a lot, but that’s what my amazing mom, dad, and sister are all for. One of the best parts about being single is being able to spend more time with family, and I am definitely taking advantage of that now. I have more hours to dedicate to activities that are fulfilling, as well. I am able to work on my DJing, blog at a more relaxed pace, and exercise more. Aside from the not having that build-in best friend you get with a relationship, single life is pretty rad, actually.

♡

V is for the victory I feel in searching for myself.
M is for the misery I feel in being constantly unsure.

All in all, I guess I’m all right.