The Mean Girls of Afghanistan by Madinah

Last month I came across a PHENOMENAL & INTELLECTUAL writer Madinah from www.BurqasAndBeer.com. She’s a “first generation Afghan-American living in Los Angeles.” and she’s mastered the way of thoughtfully expressing herself. I love how she has kept an open mind and heart with all subjects she’s approached … especially one as controversial as being an Afghan girl/woman.

I’m a halfer — finding my identity between two different lands has been an interesting journey. Being a Persian Iranian and Afghan mix, born in Budapest and spending my early childhood years in Germany, then moving to Los Angeles — I’ve grown surrounded by many different cultures and traditions that have affected who I’ve become. It’s been a challenge both difficult and pleasant.

When I read Madinah’s story I was overwhelmed with girl power because she so astonishingly approached a sensitive subject across the Afghan spectrum and the negative tone of judgement has affected a beautiful culture from the within. Madinah’s article is a great perspective of the struggles we endure within our own culture that is so vastly affected by the westernized country we live in. We live in a time and place where the beauties of Afghanistan and its religions, cultures, and traditions are misunderstood.

I grew up very close to both my Persian and Afghan roots. My Afghan family is by far the most loving, kind, and non-judgmental group I’ve ever come across. They are so proud of their land, where they come from and who they are. Never have I heard them speak ill of anyone or treat anyone without respect. They have taught me how important forgiveness is for your very own soul and how love can be the greatest cure of all. But that’s not what I’ve experienced outside my family community. It was such a shock — to feel not worthy of being ‘Afghan’ because I liked to listen to Eminem, or wore skirts shorter than my ankle length (I mean hello California sun!). Regardless of the negative stereotypes …

I am a proud Afghan …

 

This is Madinah’s story in her own words…

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Two Sundays ago, Afghan-Americans tuned in to see Instagram-famous Afghan girl Durrani Popal. Durrani is an employee of DASH, the infamous clothing store owned by the Kardashian sisters. In the slew of Insta-famous-for-nothing girls, Durrani was given special attention from our community, for the sole fact that she was Afghan, beautiful, and works for the Kardashians. There are only a handful of fashion and makeup Afghan gurus, and with her big beautiful blue eyes and amazing fashion sense, it’s easy to see why Afghan-Americans were eager for her to shed positive light on her ethnic background. We all waited for her to mention her roots. It would be great to have a beautiful Afghan girl working in the fashion and entertainment industry represent us, showing the world that Afghan women do not always need saving, and can achieve non-traditional career roles.

 

But instead what we saw was no mention of Afghanistan. Rather, we were given every “allusion” that she was Iranian – mentions of Ghormeh Sabzi and Farsi class, her fondness of Iranian men, and an introduction to her Persian Jewish boyfriend. She and her Iranian coworker and roommate Nazy Farnoosh spoke of their close friendship because of their similar backgrounds, but again, there was no distinction made between Nazy being Iranian and Durrani being Afghan. It almost seemed as if Durrani was hiding being Afghan, and trying to pass off as Iranian – a community already introduced to reality TV through shows like Shahs of Sunset, and other notable reality stars.

Naturally, I was pissed. For Afghans, we knew who she was. The names “Durrani” and “Popal” are not Iranian; they are uniquely Afghan/Pashtun names, and quite popular ones at that: The Durrani Empire spanned all of Pakistan, Afghanistan, and parts of Iran, and it’s ruler, Ahmad Shah Durrani, is considered the founder of the modern Afghan state. Furthermore, “Popal” from the longer name “Popalzai” is a huge Pashtun tribe of Durrani descent. Therefore both her names scream Afghan, and are very patriotic, to say the least.

To the outsider, of course she can be confused for Iranian: Afghans look Iranian, speak the language and share the religion. Social media conversations mirrored my confusion: Why was she hiding her ethnicity? What’s wrong with being Afghan? Why you tryna blend in with the Iranians so bad? However, Durrani quickly clarified on her Twitter account that she gets confused for Iranian, but is in fact, Afghan.

Interested if other Afghans felt the same way, I posted a Facebook status expressing my impatience and dismay with Afghan girls passing off as Iranians. My issue arises when Afghan girls are benefitting from their exotic looks but making every effort to hide their roots.

But quickly I realized why Durrani may be turning the cheek to our people.

Almost as soon as I posted it, a slew of negative comments followed, attacking her character, love life decisions, clothing choices and even her mannerisms. She was name-called and her intelligence was questioned, and she was scolded for being a “bad” Afghan and Muslim.

Woah. This wasn’t a community I’d be proud of. I was taken aback by how mean some of the comments were:

“We don’t want her to say she’s Afghan”.

“She doesn’t act like a true Afghan”.

Upon visiting her Instagram page, I saw identical comments under her photos, scolding her for her actions on the show and expressing dismay that she did not clearly state her ethnicity. She was repeatedly called a bitch, slut, whore, and every other derogatory phrase under the sun. And these comments came mostly from Afghans.

That’s when it dawned on me: why say you’re Afghan? We’re not a welcoming and loving community anyway! We judge you on everything.

I myself have been on the other side, poked and prodded for my skirts or my makeup or my friends or my mannerisms and even this blog. I began to ask myself: Are we an inclusive community? Why are people measuring “Afghan-ness” and how can we pretend to be good pious Muslims if we’re judging girls left and right? Is there a barometer to being Afghan?

Yes. Because being an Afghan girl is like being in a sorority. Follow the rules, or you can’t sit with us. Either please the big sis, or get kicked out. You can wear short skirts, but not too short. You can date a guy or two, but not a Jew on national TV. You can pursue fashion, but not under Kim K cuz she’s a sex-tape phenom.

I began to understand why Durrani may have tucked her Afghan ID under the Persian rug. I realized that I myself was judging her and felt horrible – how many times have people seen me and thought the same things? When your every move is being monitored under a “ghayrat” microscope, why not just give up? The community won’t accept you – so why accept them?

As a community, (and I am including myself here), we have a huge problem with judging our daughters. There is a tremendous double standard between our boys and girls. And this double standard is seeping into the way our community is being represented in the media. Just the other day, I posted an invite to a pre-screening of “Rock the Kasbah”, a film directed by Bill Murray that takes place in Afghanistan. A number of people expressed their dismay that a Palestinian woman, and not an Afghan, played the lead role. WELL OBVIOUSLY! Since when did an Afghan mom or dad say, “yes bachem, go ahead and enroll in acting classes and wear spaghetti straps and get your headshots taken and fly to Hollywood”. How the eff are you gonna get mad that we don’t have mainstream actors when Durrani Popal can’t even play herself on a reality show?

And this isn’t the first time an Afghan woman has been measured on the Afghan barometer. Aryana Sayeed, an Afghan pop-singer, is constantly getting threats of rape and murder for wearing tight clothing during her performances. Vida Samadzai, Miss Afghanistan 2003, was condemned by the Afghan Supreme Court and called a whore, a slut, a shame to our community for wearing a red bikini in an international pageant.

At the same time however, I firmly believe that if you are a person of some importance, and have the ability to sway or influence people’s opinions about our community, then do so. If you were raised as an Afghan and as a Muslim, then it would be fair and commendable that one not bash their background or perpetuate stereotypes about our people. Either gung-ho represent, or don’t at all, cuz we get enough slack in the media. I don’t appreciate people using their platforms to belittle our community and make it seem like we’re all small-minded haters who are all snarky and judgy. Cuz clearly my existence proves we’re not.

My family is an anecdotal piece of evidence that, NO, not all Afghans will “disown” you for dating a Jew (on the contrary, my mom has always encouraged me to do so, “because you’ll be rich” – joking of course). My parents have never told me who I can and cannot marry –  only that they be good people. I literally have in-laws who are Iranian, Armenian, Sri Lankan, Mexican, and white. I could not and still cannot relate to some of the things that Durrani was saying, like she went to “Farsi school” where she would get hit, or that she would get disowned for her relationship with a Jew. In my experience, it is Jews who are more exclusive about marrying within their community than Muslims. My family is not anything like what Durrani described hers to be, and so I felt defensive that they may get painted in such a light. I felt she was selling the same image of Muslims that is constantly sold, and wished more positive light was shed.

But if that was her experience, then I cannot impose mine. End of the day, I am immensely proud of being Afghan, but only because I learned to turn my cheek to psychos who say I’m a whore for wearing a bikini and focused my energy on the multitude of positives in my culture. Just cuz Durrani may not do so, doesn’t mean I get to smack-talk her for it. So be it.

So for all the other Durranis out there, I’m sorry your identity is being compromised because of your choices. I’m sorry you can’t sit with us because you’re not like us. I’m sorry your every move will be scrutinized and criticized and we will push you away because you don’t act the way we want you to. I’m sorry you can’t proudly say you’re Afghan without someone robbing you of your identity because you’re not “Afghan enough” for them. I didn’t know there were levels to this shit. I thought you were just born Afghan, I wasn’t aware there was an interview and hiring process… Last time I checked, no one could choose their ethnic background, besides Rachel Dolezal and we saw how that turned out.

Until the Afghan community learns to love and embrace EACH child as their own, REGARDLESS of their personal choices, we’ll continue to have pretending Persians.

Holy Quran Chapter 49 Surah Hujuraat verse 12:

O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: and spy not on each other, nor speak ill of each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay ye would abhor it…but fear Allah: for Allah is Oft-Returning Most Merciful.

Update: I use Islamic quotes not to support bad behavior, but rather to support people not judging one another as a whole.

Update: I omitted the use of the word “Persian” in this post. Many Afghans are Persian as well. The Persian Empire spanned Iran and Afghanistan, therefore it would be absolutely correct for Afghans to call themselves Persian, but not Iranian. There are Persian Iranians and Persian Afghans. Therefore, I used “Iranian” as a distinction from Afghan.

 

— See the full article on her site here & read through the intensely, interesting, and some questionable comments.

Thank you Madinah for your wonderful work!